CORPORATE HUMOR

The New Employee
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.
"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

Working Team
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Vision Problem
My boss didn't come into work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself at work today."

Company Culture
Theory is if everyone knows it but nothing works. Practice is if everything works and no one knows why.
Companies combine theory and practice: Nothing works, and no one knows why!

We Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."

Accounting Interview
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

Bad Business
A man walked into a dress shop and asked the proprietor how business was.
"Terrible!" he complained. "It's so bad, why I only sold one dress yesterday. Today it's even worse."
"How could it be worse?" asked his friend.
"Today that lady returned the dress she bought yesterday," wailed the proprietor.

The Trainee
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials an extension and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool! You've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"I'm the CEO of the company!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, who put down the phone.

High Wage
The manager is reviewing a potential employee's application and notes that the fellow has never worked in retail before.
"For a man with no experience," says he, "you are certainly asking a high wage."
"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing..."

Corporate Lesson
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Mandatory Vacation
Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."

Habitual Mistake
An employee walks into the office of his boss and says "What is the meaning of this. I have been paid $200 less than what was decided upon."
The boss replies "I know about it, but you did not complain when we paid $200 extra by mistake last month.
"Yeah, I can bear with occasional mistakes but when you make it a habit I think I need to report"

The Speech
The CEO of a large company was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. A few days later when the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."
The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

Whistle
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."
"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

Job Requirements
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Why Did He Fire You?
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

Being Late To Work
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

Lesson in Finance
A rumpled man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the man - clearly an eccentric - hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The man replies, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"